Sue Cepin’s Philosophy of Training Children

Sue Cepin’s Philosophy of Training Children

-We are transformed into great parents by the Holy Spirit as we embrace the gospel.

Galatians 5:16-26 (NIV)

¹⁶So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. ¹⁷For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

 ¹⁹The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

 ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. ²⁵Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Therefore, the first priority in moms training their children is not the children themselves, it’s the mom’s relationship with Jesus. As we care the most about Jesus (as the Spirit does), the fruit of the Spirit in all its varieties will gradually grow in us (Gal. 5:22-23; 25), and the “acts of the sinful nature” will die away (Gal. 5:19-21; 24).

The gospel is a) what Jesus has done for us, not what we are doing for Him 

b) our identity found in Christ

          Where do I find my value?

If it’s in my children’s response to me or in their mood, I give them the power to manipulate me. I will also manipulate them.

If it’s in how other people view my children, I tend to be overly severe or shaming toward them in specific situations but inconsistent in other areas.

If it’s in something else entirely, I am angry with being inconvenienced by my children and will ignore them frequently, as they get in the way of my goals.

If I find my value in my identity in Christ, I am free to engage my children with care and also require difficult things of them as I seek to love them well.

My children may not like me and may temporarily make life more difficult, but eventually the result will be good in both of us – we are growing up together!

          c) our ability to live out the values of the kingdom of God.

The Mechanics: Raising Kids With Kingdom Values

Objective:   The high priority concept is Honor Your Father and Mother.

                   This means that they do what you ask

                   They respond to your requests by saying “yes” instead of “no”

                   They make requests of you, not demands

          -If this is consistently pursued, other disciplinary issues will often resolve themselves.-

1) Assess

Long-term

How are you getting your value from your children?

Are you overly concerned with how they regard you? Are you overly concerned with how other people regard them?

What long-term habits do you want your children to develop?

[Long-term thinking for young children may include a matter of weeks, expanding to a matter of months or even years for older children.]

What rebellious behaviors do you see in your children?

Is there peace in your home?

Be objective! You’re the coach!

Short-term

Disciplinary issues will inevitably arise that have not been established in your long-term rules. In this case, it is necessary to come up with a disciplinary sequence on the fly. Indicators that it’s time for short-term intervention include:  

-you feel angry with your children

-you feel helpless to stop their bad behavior

-you are yelling at your children

-you are shaming your children or becoming verbally manipulative

-your children are behaving badly in new ways

-your children are about to hurt themselves or someone else

-your children are about to experience a new situat

 -your children are showing patterns of bad behavior at a particular time

Assessment: What is the behavior that is unacceptable? What is a good consequence for this behavior? [If you are in a public space, you may want to modify what you would normally do. Just make sure you are willing to follow it through when the time comes. Then establish the rule & complete the process.]

Be objective! You’re the trainer!

2) Establish

Decide on a few rules that address the specifics of your assessment.

Choose consequences which will support these rules. Consequences should vary in severity to

match the rule. I use harsher consequences for high priority rules: if the child’s safety would be endangered by breaking the rule or if the rule is related to a direct rebellious response to authority.  I use milder consequences for lower priority rules, and may gradually escalate the consequence if the child doesn’t seem to be learning the rule over time.

Get your children’s full attention, get down to eye level with them and tell them the rules.

Tell them what the consequences will be if the rules are broken.

Speak firmly to your children, but not in anger. Be objective.

3) Complete

The next time your child breaks the rule, get down to eye level with him. Remind him of what rule he’s broken and what the consequence you will give him the next time he does it. Tell him that this is his final warning.

The next time your child breaks the rule, get down to eye level with him. Have him look you in the eye. Hold him firmly by the shoulder if necessary. Remind him of what rule he’s broken and immediately follow through by giving the consequence you promised.

After the consequence is complete, tell your child, “I would like you to apologize to me for ________” (or have him apologize to whichever person he’s wronged). Have him apologize for the specific thing he did wrong. Then tell him you forgive him, give him a hug, and tell him you love him. Move on and don’t bring up this incident again. Don’t ask for an apology before the consequence is given, as this creates confusion.

Don’t do long-term assessments when it’s time to complete. If you’ve established a rule, follow through when it is broken just like you said you would. You can re-evaluate later.

Younger children may need to go through this entire “Establish – Complete” process for each rule every day. As children grow older, the sequence may happen over a longer period of time. Disciplinary issues for older children tend to be more sporadic and subtle. Give a “final warning” and then give the consequence the next time you see the behavior even if it’s been several days or weeks, depending on the specific issue.

As rules become established and accepted, you can add new rules to address new issues. If you are inconsistent or children fall out of the habit of an old rule, start over! Every day is a new opportunity.

Don’t offer explanations to your children during the Establish or Complete phases. Be brief and clear with your instructions and reminders. If you believe your children need an explanation for a rule, wait until some later time when discipline is not underway and talk to them about the rule, only as long as their attention span can handle. Explanations during the disciplinary process will tend to escalate into a lecture or tirade or will offer the child an opportunity to sidetrack and avoid the consequence. This undermines the disciplinary process. If they ask “why?” during this process, either tell them that the appropriate response is “yes, mom” or tell them that you’ll expain later.

Scale of consequences

Practice:      A very mild consequence that is the most frequently necessary is

PRACTICE

Children are learning a huge array of new, complex behaviors and interactions. They may need to practice these in specific ways a number of times before they learn. I use practice for a lot of mundane items that are long-term in nature.  If I see a behavior in my children that I don’t like but which doesn’t seem to merit a consequence at the time, I will refrain from lecturing, yelling, or complaining about it. Instead, I tell them what they did and ask them to try again, and don’t move on until they have practiced the correct way. This is the case especially for how they use their words or their bodies (saying please and thank you, saying, “Yes, mom” when I ask them to do or not do something, speaking respectfully to me, putting an item away instead of dropping it on the floor, closing the door behind them, etc.) This way they gain practice at doing something the appropriate way instead of just hearing about how something should be done. Repeated practice over a long period of time becomes a habit!

Hand Flick: I find physical consequences particular effective with younger children. In our home, we’ve seen children begin obviously rebellious behaviors as early as they become mobile (this is usually when rules become important for safety), around 9 months of age. Early training may be effectively accomplished through a flick on the back of the hand. The benefit of this consequence is that it is immediately experienced – young children have a shorter span of attention in which they can recognize a behavior and its consequence.

Time-Outs: Other consequences that may be effective are time-outs. If a time-out is given, the child should be required to sit in a specific location for a specific amount of time (one minute per year of age). When the time-out is over, they should stay in that place until you come over (which should be immediately). They are to apologize and be released before they move on. Jo relies heavily on time-outs and has a good explanation of how they can be used well in her book Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know.

Loss of Privilege:  Sometimes a consequence can be very natural to the behavior. The child may lose a privilege or favorite item for a specific period of time. It’s important to keep this period of time reasonable.

Spanking:   I have found spanking effective with my children, especially in their early years (between 2 and 5ish). Spankings with toddlers should happen with immediacy.

Spankings of children three and over should happen in private (away from other children or grown-ups watching) and should be part of a clear disciplinary sequence: the rule should have been clearly established and the warning of the specific consequence already given. Spankings should be hard enough that the child cries, or they lose their effectiveness.  However, one to three swats is all that is necessary. Spankings should be deliberately given with no hint of shaming, abusiveness, or loss of control on your part; otherwise they become harmful.

Shoulder Pinch: This can be especially effective in public places where subtlety is necessary and your disciplinary options are limited. Take your child firmly by the shoulder and speak to him firmly as you communicate a warning. This can help convey your intention to follow through.

Rewards

Verbal Praise:

 If my children have chosen to obey for a span of time after being given a rule or a warning, I tell them what they’ve done and how much I appreciate it.

Privilege:    

Privilege grows with responsibility. Children who are developing good habits over time and gaining more responsibilities around the house should also gain new privileges. This could be a natural process.

This could also be part of an Establish – Complete structure to develop a new skill set (like chores): privileges work well when success is tracked over time as the children are working toward a goal.

         

Privileges are less effective when used during a Short-term disciplinary process, since they can easily become bribery, which is a tool of manipulation.

Chores

Children learn many important lessons through their participation in chores:

          -Skills for running a household when they are adults

          -The value of serving others

          -How to participate in a family where each member is valued and needed

          -An awareness of their personal responsibility

          -Gratitude for work other people do for them

          -A sense of having an impact

         

Children should start doing simple chores when they are young.

Chores should grow in complexity and mastery along with the child.

It’s a lot of work to teach children to do chores, but this is a Long-term training goal which will bear fruit in the future!

Being Sent

In Mark 16:14 we find our selves smack dab in the middle of the Great commission. Jesus has appeared to a few people, but as a collective the disciples are doubtful of his Resurrection. In verse 14, Jesus appears to the eleven

14Afterward he appeared to the eleven themselves as they were reclining at table, and he rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they had not believed those who saw him after he had risen. 15And he said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. 16 Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. 17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover."

19So then the Lord Jesus, after he had spoken to them, was taken up into heaven and sat down at the right hand of God. 20And they went out and preached everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by accompanying signs.]] –Mark 16.14 -20

In verse 15 Jesus says Go – when someone says go they are sending you somewhere. Jesus is sending his disciples out, but he is not just sending them, he is also sending us. This go statement is obviously in the context of the Great Commission. He is not just sending the eleven disciples, and then when they die no one has to go anymore. He is sending the Church. And, so God himself is a missionary God. God sends the Church. Now, if you look at John 20.21, Jesus indicates to his disciples that God sent him and now he is sending them. So God sends Jesus into the world to redeem. God and Jesus send the Holy Spirit to help us continue the redeeming process that Christ began. And the Trinity sends us into the world to be missionaries. So Jesus sending us is not just Him sending us, but it really is the Trinity sending us into the world. One of the mistakes the church makes in western culture is to believe that mission is an activity of the church and not it’s “mission” or identity of the church. So we as the western church see ourselves sending people to a foreign land, but we do think of ourselves as being in a foreign land. We don’t see ourselves as missionaries in a foreign land.
So, where are we supposed to go? Jesus says that we are to go into the entire world. The place that the church is sent is into the world. The other problem with the western church is that we have created two cultures – a Christian Culture and a secular culture. We have Christian music, Christian fiction, Christian schools, etc. They are setup against the Secular culture.
 

We are sent into the world. What are we supposed to do when we are sent into the world? We are supposed to preach the Gospel. The Greek word for gospel is evangelon. It means victories. Literally, the Gospel is the Victories of Jesus. This is what we are to preach. What has happen to the Gospel in the Church today? I think the church has claimed it as its own. We possess it. It is ours. The church defines how it is preached and how it is communicated. But that is wrong. The church should be possessed by the Gospel. The church belongs to the Gospel, not the other way around. The Gospel defines what the church looks like. When we talk about the Gospel it seems abstract. What does it mean? Does the Gospel just mean that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and rose on the third day defeating death, or is there something more? Yes, that is it, but there is more. It is the story of the Old and New Testaments. This is the Gospel fleshed out. (more on the Gospel later.)

So, who are we to tell this gospel to? Jesus, in Mark, says that we are to tell it to all creation, which means that it, goes out not just to people, but also to creation. Jesus seems to be saying that the Gospel is not just about you and me, it is the story of redemption, but that story also includes the redemption of creation.

I think the question the Church in America needs to ask – is why does the Gospel seem powerless in our churches? Why is it not our identity? Romans 1:16 tells us that the Gospel has explosive power for salvation of all people.

I think we have watered the gospel down. Think for a moment about what 1 Corinthians 2.1-5 says:
1And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.
We as a church look at the gospel through eyes of human wisdom. If you have come to Christ later in life, then you know how silly the Gospel sounds. It’s strange. Think about it. This God, who you have never seen, created this world. And, then humans brought sin into the world, and God had to send his son to save the world from death. His son, it turns out, God incarnate – is a backwater hick from Galilee who never travels farther that 30 miles from his town. He never writes any books. He dies on a Roman cross as a failed Messiah, and then his crazy disciples say that he rose 3 days later and if we believe we will be saved. It’s foolish.

The church, especially the modern one, has tried to rationalize the gospel and turn it into a set of propositions that lead to the ultimate truth. It seems not to have impact on the church. The gospel as truth statements seems not to change people’s lives. I think if the church wants to understand its mission and the identity of the Gospel it needs to look to Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5

16From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Paul is simply saying that since we are in Christ we no longer see him through the eyes of worldly wisdom, but through our identity in him. He goes on to say that because we are in Christ, we are new creations. The old is gone and is going and the new has come and is coming. Being in Christ means that you and I are Justified before God, but we are in the process at the same time. (more thoughts later). There is an assumption that to be a new creation, you have to be in Christ. The Gospel then begins with a living encounter with Christ. Why did the disciples run away and deny Christ during the Crucifixion. They had to face the cross. They had to make a decision - would they believe that this dying messiah was the future King of Israel and of the world. The Gospel then begins with a decision to embrace a wounded servant King, or the raw brutal power of Satan. If we embrace Christ, the process of living in our new creation and walking away from the old begins.

18All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;

So once you are in Christ you have a job. What’s happened? You have been reconciled to God and now you have a ministry. And this word in the Greek for ministry is where we get deacon from. But, we all hold the office of deacon. We are all ministers of the Gospel . . . of reconciliation. So, when Christ says go preach the Gospel to creation. We are to reconcile man and creation to God. We are sent to call both man and creation back to God.
19that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

So God reconciled the world to himself through Christ, and now you and I are given the message of reconciliation. The logos of reconciliation. The church is given the message of Jesus. The Gospel.

20Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. – 2 Corinthians 5.16-21

What do ambassadors do? They don’t have a lot of power. They don’t very often get to step into a country wield a whole bunch power. No, they are trying to establish a friendship with a particular country. Improve communication and cultural understanding.
The way our ministry plays out in the world happens in the context of being ambassadors to the world. That is the Gospel. That is what God sends us to do. The church gets to offer the world an encounter with Christ and an opportunity to be reconciled to God.

What happens when you go into the world? If you look at John 17 you get a little clue as to what Jesus thought would happen. He prays that we would have his Joy. Missionary work is hard and you don’t often see great results right away. Jesus knows this and prays that his joy would be ours. Jesus also asks that we would not be taken out of the world or protected from it, but that we would be protected from Satan. Because when the church decides that it is a mission and that the ministry of reconciliation is their identity, then Satan attacks. You are invading his territory. You are reclaiming what was never his in the first place, and this does not make him happy.

Lists on Monday

1. Loved cooking at the Village yesterday. Nothing like pot roast, potatoes, carrots, onions, green beans, and good bread.
2. The Music rocked last night.
3. Thrift Store Bureaucracy played Poison Tree for the first time.
4. Please show Mike Wise's Song some love: This World Just Breaks My Heart
5. We finished the Gospel Of Mark last Night.
6. Check-out our splash videos and other cool media from the Village.